August 29. 1994 was an ordinary day until I answered the phone that afternoon. The voice on the other end asked me if I had heard about a classmate of ours; they had been in an automobile accident and weren’t expected to make it. I was shocked. They were only 18 years old.
For months I had been plagued with thoughts of death. Where would I go if I died today? Most days I could push the thoughts away, but at night when I laid down to sleep I would be overcome with fear. “If I die in my sleep, I will go to hell.” I remember asking God each night to forgive me, just in case I did actually die in my sleep. I wasn’t truly repentant however. Every morning I woke up I would go out and live the same ungodly life as the day before. There was always this lie I would hear in my mind. “You’ve got plenty of time. You are young, you have your whole life to live. You can make things right with God when you get old.” And every time I would think, “Yeah, I have plenty of time.”
But on this day; this day I realized that I wasn’t guaranteed to grow old. As I thought about my classmate, who’s life was hanging in the balance I thought about my own soul and that lie that I kept believing. I came face to face with the reality of my own fate. If I were to die right then, I indeed would go to hell. Those night time prayers to soothe my conscience meant nothing. I didn’t really mean them, I just wanted to feel better in the moment.
I went over to my grandparents house, it was much later in the evening than a normal visit would have been. I remember it was already dark when I arrived. I knocked on the door and was welcomed in. I shared with them all the turmoil I had been experiencing and that I couldn’t continue like I was. My grandmother gave me some advice that I never forgot that night; “Jenny, if you don’t want to do the same things you’ve been doing, then you’ve got to start by getting some new friends. You can’t keep going around the same places you’ve been going if you don’t want to do those things anymore.”
Somewhere deep inside of me I knew that I would surrender my life to God that night or I never would. I remember saying, “Here I am God. If you can do anything with my life, here I am.” There were tears and fears but that night was the night that I knew I could not continue as I was.
That night my life changed. I surrendered all of myself to God. I think back to the days following and I remember asking God over and over all throughout the day, “God, help me. God, help me.” And He did. He directed my steps and led me to people that would be a help to me.
I remember someone telling me they heard I became a Christian and how they were told I wouldn’t last two weeks. I’ve thought about that statement many times throughout the years and if I was relying on my own strength, then those people who said that would have been correct. I wouldn’t have lasted two weeks. But God. God is the one who saved my soul that night and wrote my name down in the Lamb’s book of Life. And God has kept me. Every time I began to stray He would always lead me back to Him. The love and faithfulness that I have found in my relationship with God has filled a void that nothing else I ever tried could. O’ taste and see that the Lord is good!
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